Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

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this book is a toolbox. more than that, it is a door. it is the door in a wall you built up so high for years and decades and now the only way out is through. a therapist I had literally 2 years ago recommended this to me and it took me that long to finish cause this book is such a honker. In this controversial book, world-renowned confidence expert and clinical psychologist, Dr. Aziz Gazipura, takes an incisive look at the concept of nice. You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be someone who hates peaches.” - Dita Von Teese

again, it isn't a miracle, i'm not suddenly Better. but this changed so much for me and i really truly cannot be more grateful for this book. it feels like a real concrete step in my healing process. the concepts in this book were life changing for me. the writing was a bit cheesy and I was skeptical of some of the stuff he said about gender and psychosomatic illnesses, but I’ll let that be. you can tell he was trying at least. It’s good to discover what I want It’s good to ask for what I want. It’s good to say what I want. It’s good to say what I don’t want. It’s good to be able to put myself first." In fact, the quality of your life depends on how many of these uncomfortable conversations you are willing to have."Book Genre: Health, Mental Health, Nonfiction, Personal Development, Psychology, Relationships, Self Help But that's just the thing, you NEED to be willing to go through the discomfort. If you're not willing to do that, don't by this book. Honestly. But if you're willing to go through the discomfort, this book will absolutely change your life forever. i didn't realize until getting about halfway through this book that so much of my internal rulebook is full of lies. lies told to me by myself, by society, by my parents. i've been suffocated by my past selves and my past hurts and realizing all of this felt like waking up from a long sleep. through the authors words i started to piece together things about my life that i never would have realized otherwise. i have spent a large portion of my life worrying that i'm too selfish, but after reading this book i am now more fully aware that i'm not selfish enough. i just kept having realization after realization and even though i'm still trying to process everything, i feel so incredibly inspired and invigorated. Here’s the thing. You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. They’re not incompetent children. They’re adults who can handle their own feelings. They can work through disappointment, hurt, anger, sadness, and upset. In fact, doing so will make them stronger and healthier in the long run. You cannot stop others from feeling all discomfort, or all pain. It is an impossible task, a fool’s errand.” I saw that clients who were trying the hardest to be nice people also felt the most anxious, guilty, and frustrated.”

The reason why i gave 4 stars to this book is because it got me thinking about people pleasing, caring too much about what people think about me and not being able to say NO when i want to. It definitely helped me in that way and also to analyze myself. I am on my way to change it and become more authentic and bold. here's what this book is not: it isn't a miracle. it's not going to fix you or your life. it isn't an intellectual, research-filled data oriented book about psychology. it doesn't hold the secrets of the universe and it won't give you all the answers you're looking for. and it certainly isn't going to do all the work for you. You cannot stop others from feeling all discomfort, or all pain. It is an impossible task, a fool’s errand." I hear about your mom, and your brother, and your dad. I hear about everyone else and what they want. But I don’t hear much of you in the story. It’s like you’re a minor character, and your needs and wants don’t really count for much.”Long answer: I've struggled with people pleasing, anxiety, low self esteem, and stuttering my whole life. I wanted to please everyone. Say yes to everyone. Say yes to nobody. Everybody else came before me. Someone asks me to help them move? HOW could I POSSIBLE say no? Because if I say no, then they won't like me any more right? It’s also very actionable. I listened to the audio book (read by author) and he was so persistent about pausing the audio and writing some things down. Which I personally liked because I often say later and later never comes. Writing down stuff helps with witnessing some serious transformations. Thanks Aziz Gazipura If you find it hard to be assertive, directly ask for what you want, or say “no” to others, then you just might be suffering from too much niceness.

You’re not responsible for other people’s feelings, wants, desires, and needs. You do not have to meet everyone’s needs. You don’t have to do everything that someone wants you to do. You don’t have to do anything that someone wants, if it is not right for you. You’re not responsible for meeting their needs–they are. You doing something for them is just one possible way for them to meet their needs. If you say no, then it’s their responsibility to find a different way."

You’ll start to see that there is no threat in the disapproval of others, which allows you to relax in a deep and powerful way. You’ll also see that being in healthy relationships with others is not at all like walking on a tightrope. It’s actually more like a five-lane freeway. You can veer left, right, and all over the place, and still stay connected. I’m not for everybody. That simple insight lead to a profound sense of relief. I no longer needed to convince every person who came across me or my message that I was a good, worthy person. Some people would love what I was doing, and some would not. That’s OK; I’m not for everybody. Just thinking it or saying it out loud makes me smile. Try saying it out loud right now: “I’m not for everybody.” Isn’t it a relief?" The core mindset of assertiveness is: My needs matter and so do yours. Let’s have a clear discussion about what we both want to see, what might work best for us both. Sometimes I will choose what serves me, even if it upsets you. And sometimes you will do something for yourself, even if I don’t like it. What do I want? What don’t I want in this situation? What do I prefer? What sounds good to me? Asking these questions will help you become more aware and connected with yourself. This is essential because chronic indecisiveness is a result of being disconnected or alienated from your true self." I never thought I could be capable of being so assertive, confident, and in control. I used to come across obviously assertive people and be jealous, even resentful toward them because I wished I could be like them. I wished I could have their confidence.